Finding My Way

  It has been a long, long time since I have blogged. For years I maintained a small blog on day to day life as a homeschooling mom. I treasure those years with my sons. But like so many other women before me, mid life and empty-nest sent me in a direction I could have never imagined.

  So here I am, several years later. Sitting in a Starbucks...my latest home away from home. This is where I spend hours a day reading, writing and people watching before going to my part-time job at a center for adults and children with developmental and intellectual delays.

I recently read a quote in the book Audrey at Home where Audrey Hepburn is explaining to her son why she chose not to accept a proposal to write her memoir. Hepburn says "I would have to tell the whole truth, Luchino, I could not speak only about the beautiful things. And I do not want to speak ill of others."

I've always thought highly of Hepburn!

 So following her example...in a nutshell I will tell you that in the past several years my mother passed away. This hit me much harder than I could have ever imagined. My marriage of 25 years was dissolved beyond repair. I was on the receiving end of hurtful gossip, rumors and more accusations than I thought was humanly possible. I was temoporarily harassed by a hate group and due to safety issues lost a job with an agency I had worked with off and on for over 15 years. I was very temporarily homeless. (technically, I slept in spare rooms and floors of a few family and friends)

 At a point when I had lost my family, my job, my home ..I realized that I still had my faith. That my faith and my spirit could not be broken.

 2 Timothy 1:7 states "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." And I realized that I had been gifted this spirit. I would be okay. Better than okay, even.

So fast forward to now. I am in what I refer to as "My season of study". I was gifted a tuition free year ( a redo) of my first year as a part-time law student. Who gets gifted a tuition free year? This fabulously fumbling girl. That's who!

Anyone who knows me well knows that  I am a little adhd. I am not a very good student. School is a game. I know how to play. In law school you are encouraged to do many things...for starters to know why you are going. I truly do not know other than the opportunity was there and I think it will make me a better administrator in the world of non-profit. That and there are a group of musicians in a ministry I am involved in who have written more songs than imaginable. I would like to protect them legally.

  But here's the thing. I feel called to study law. I went to 3 years of a parish ministry program and learned many things. I grew stronger in my faith. And I learned I am a better fit NOT shepharding.  I keep thinking of Joseph who when asked to interpret dreams for a king, said, "I cannot, but God can." That's how I feel about this law-school journey. "I cannot, but God can."

Me? I just show up.

So to keep this gift of a legal education in perspective, I am matching my hours in legal study (which by the way is like 218+ per class) in studying scripture.

I think the most important thing any of us can do is to maintain a tender and teachable heart. I have been gifted a small window of time to expand in those areas.
To reiterate, I have no idea why I am spending this season of my life in study and reflection, but I know in my knower that it is what I should be dong right now.

So here I sit at Starbucks...

fabulously fumbling my way.