Why am I here?

  Why am I here?

That is the question that has been resonating through my mind for the past several years...what is my purpose? why am I here? It is a question we all ask, sometimes more than others. And I always come back to the same answer.

  I am here to celebrate others and to love unconditionally.

  "Uhhh God?"I think,"That's nice in theory ...but specifically? HOW?"

  I don't know about you..but unconditional love is a concept that can only be experienced. Most love in my life (as with many of us) has been merit based..and for years I truly believed I had to earn love by my action or inaction.

The first time I got a glimpse life could be different (other than with a few childhood friends) was the 3 years I spent at a small women's college where we loved eachother unconditionally...and we absolutely saw eachother at our best and our worst! Fast forward to some time at a spiritual weekend almost 2 decades later, when I saw unconditional love in the community around me..and it was real.

   In my gratitude, I  made a private vow to take that spirit of unconditional love to everyone I encountered. But I am no saint, my feelings get hurt. I want to withdrawl, to put up walls, to avoid people and situations that make me uncomfortable or I am unfamiliar with. I am very content just being by myself.  But I can't be my loveable self in an isolated bubble...as tempting as they may be.  In reality, the only way I can demonstrate unconditional love..and live unconditional love  is to stay connected to God.

For I have found that while some people thrive in response to an environment of unconditional love, many don't understand this idea...they are still too lost and hurt. And let's face it, receiving anything, even love, is much harder than giving. Because when we receive? We are vulnerable. When we give we feel we have some control.
So unconditional love is often met with suspicion and mistrust. This mistrust is to be expected, but not taken personally. And while I know this in theory, I struggle (like most people I know) to continue demonstrating unconditional love to those who constantly question my sanity, my sincerity, my integrity...and yes (sigh) unfortunately this happens quite a bit.

But no one said this loving stuff was easy.

  I have been spending a lot of time in law books and scripture lately. Reading disturbing passages of our human history...both in American/British law and in scripture.

  I am a pretty decent amateur musician, my mother was a historian, my father a linguist, I love to study art...but all of this is based on patterns.  I always look for patterns. I look for the patterns in the music, the patterns in history, language, etc. And humanity...for law and scripture are really just a study in human frailty and attempts to fix brokeness that we cannot fix with our human understandings.

   And in the midst of all this studying...in the hopes that I might find another way, a short-cut to loving one another, maybe? I am reminded that we have one law.

Actually it is a command.

   " 'Love the Lord with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind, this is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is "Love your neighbor as yourself.'. All th Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

  So what am I to do? What is my purpose? After all of this quest to find a "real" tangible answer.

I search for answers in the coffee house.

  

I search for answers at the library

I search for answers in my car

And in the end...I realize the answer to my real purpose in a tangible way has been with me all along. It is with me when I play practical jokes with my co-workers, it is with me when I greet and listen to my clients at work, it is with me when I listen to those who are not happy with me, it is with me when I am praying for my children, it is with me when I am hanging out with my girlfriends over tacos or chai latte's.  My purpose is with me when I am digging frantically into law and scripture, redecorating my house with my fiancee or just listening to classical music working on a paint by number (Yes..this is my inner geeking way of completely relaxing).

My purpose...as is yours...is to love God and love others.

How?

Just be yourself and show up. And know...always know...that you are loved by God and you are loved by me.

Finding My Way

  It has been a long, long time since I have blogged. For years I maintained a small blog on day to day life as a homeschooling mom. I treasure those years with my sons. But like so many other women before me, mid life and empty-nest sent me in a direction I could have never imagined.

  So here I am, several years later. Sitting in a Starbucks...my latest home away from home. This is where I spend hours a day reading, writing and people watching before going to my part-time job at a center for adults and children with developmental and intellectual delays.

I recently read a quote in the book Audrey at Home where Audrey Hepburn is explaining to her son why she chose not to accept a proposal to write her memoir. Hepburn says "I would have to tell the whole truth, Luchino, I could not speak only about the beautiful things. And I do not want to speak ill of others."

I've always thought highly of Hepburn!

 So following her example...in a nutshell I will tell you that in the past several years my mother passed away. This hit me much harder than I could have ever imagined. My marriage of 25 years was dissolved beyond repair. I was on the receiving end of hurtful gossip, rumors and more accusations than I thought was humanly possible. I was temoporarily harassed by a hate group and due to safety issues lost a job with an agency I had worked with off and on for over 15 years. I was very temporarily homeless. (technically, I slept in spare rooms and floors of a few family and friends)

 At a point when I had lost my family, my job, my home ..I realized that I still had my faith. That my faith and my spirit could not be broken.

 2 Timothy 1:7 states "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." And I realized that I had been gifted this spirit. I would be okay. Better than okay, even.

So fast forward to now. I am in what I refer to as "My season of study". I was gifted a tuition free year ( a redo) of my first year as a part-time law student. Who gets gifted a tuition free year? This fabulously fumbling girl. That's who!

Anyone who knows me well knows that  I am a little adhd. I am not a very good student. School is a game. I know how to play. In law school you are encouraged to do many things...for starters to know why you are going. I truly do not know other than the opportunity was there and I think it will make me a better administrator in the world of non-profit. That and there are a group of musicians in a ministry I am involved in who have written more songs than imaginable. I would like to protect them legally.

  But here's the thing. I feel called to study law. I went to 3 years of a parish ministry program and learned many things. I grew stronger in my faith. And I learned I am a better fit NOT shepharding.  I keep thinking of Joseph who when asked to interpret dreams for a king, said, "I cannot, but God can." That's how I feel about this law-school journey. "I cannot, but God can."

Me? I just show up.

So to keep this gift of a legal education in perspective, I am matching my hours in legal study (which by the way is like 218+ per class) in studying scripture.

I think the most important thing any of us can do is to maintain a tender and teachable heart. I have been gifted a small window of time to expand in those areas.
To reiterate, I have no idea why I am spending this season of my life in study and reflection, but I know in my knower that it is what I should be dong right now.

So here I sit at Starbucks...

fabulously fumbling my way.